Apr. 13th, 2012

Who Am I?

Apr. 13th, 2012 09:59 pm
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Greeting to you who finds my writings. You may ask yourself, "who is this person?" That's a very complicated question. To be honest, I really don't know myself. I mean, I know I'm a human. I also know I'm a citizen of the United Sates of America (the greatest country in the world (or so people say)).

I'm someone who's just here...

I laugh, cry, yell, breathe and do whatever else anyone else would do. The only thing that differentiates myself from others is my writing. You'll found that out soon. If you wanna find out who I am, you just gotta ask.
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I been doing a lot of thinking lately...mostly with the assistance of music (helps my focus). I've been thinking about who I am and my major flaws. No one is perfect and I for one know that for a fact.

Here are some of the things I know I need to change:

1) My propensity to make rash decisions. I'm always willing to run for full force into something (even if it turns out to be a waterfall in some cases). Sometimes my willingness to do something or help someone causes more vice than virtue.

2) My ever-increasing self-doubt. I know I have the potential to do great things but I feel like I'm not good enough to do them and I hold myself back from trying.

3) My eccentricities cause me to be perceived as annoying and pestilent. I may intend to be friendly and nice but sometimes it comes off as something far different.

4) The ever-present heart on the sleeve...I know I'm not the only who does this but its to a level that is more hindrance than help. I could fall in love with anyone and become blind to the fact they may be screwing me over. Trust me, I know this all too well...

5) I can't keep my mouth shut. I'm like TMI personified. Some people don't wanna know everything that's going on with me and I know this but I can't help but blather on like a invalid.

I'm sure there are more issues I need to address but at this point they escape me. I have also thought of measures to attend to these shortcomings. They would be effective albeit pricey. As of now, I have been contemplating behavioral hypnotherapy. Its been shown to be effective. One such example is professional skateboarder Rob Dyrdek. He used this method to give him the drive and focus to become the successful person he is today.

This is the only method I can think of at the present time. I am open to any methods anyone can come up with but hypnotherapy will remain on the list of methods indefinitely.

Until next time...


Apr. 13th, 2012 10:07 pm
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I've been doing some more thinking. I've been thinking of why I am not more sociable and extroverted around others. It boils down to the most rudimentary emotion people can experience: Fear.

When I say Fear, I am not referring to the fear of people in that sense. It is more the fear of being rejected and made to look like a fool. I fully realize I am not the most appealing person to be around and I do not discredit that fact nor do I discredit the fact that I am an annoyance at times. These are all parts of my persona that I fully understand.

My fear keeps me from being around people for the simple fact that I am afraid of being laughed at and messed around with just like I was in Elementary and High School. People cannot understand how I felt. That only way they could is if they looked through my own tear-misted eyes.

This fear stops me from going to parties I'm invited to (which are few and far between). Its the twisted logic of if you do not attend, you cannot be messed with. The logic of: "There is nothing if you don't see it."

As much as I want to rid myself of this accursed fear, I feel an attachment to it. Like I need this fear to feel like myself. As much as I want to meet people and by extension possibly meet and date women, the fear holds me back and is almost like a voice in my head saying, "They'll never accept you. They don't want you. Stay where its safe."

I don't know if I will ever rid myself of this. But I DO know if I don't do so in the near future, my life will be very unfulfilled.

Until next time...
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I been mulling over many things in my mind...but the reasoning of why I'm single eludes me. I've came up with a few ideas but I don't know if they all on point or just my imaginings.

1) Looks- Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, indeed. I am 6 feet tall and about 290 lbs. I know that classifies me as overweight or obese but certainly there must one or two people who would hardly care. I know I am not the best looking man in the world but certainly this world cannot be completely shallow.

2) Rashness- As I mentioned previously in my note "Necessary Steps", I tend to rush into things and often miss crucial details. I run headlong into many things which I am certain is off-putting to many of the fairer sex.

3) Heart on the sleeve- To put it bluntly, I could talk to a girl one day and then the next day say the three magic words out of feelings alone.

4) Fear- As I mentioned in my note aptly named "Fear" I am afraid of being hurt so I don't try. The mind and the heart are separate entities...with my mind saying, "don't do it", and my heart saying, "GO FOR IT!" Most of the time, the mind prevails...

5) Self-defeating- This is only a theory by most psychiatric minds but they are developing a disorder known as self-defeating personality disorder. Basically, whenever I find someone that would under normal circumstances be defined as a "keeper", something in my head says "screw it up". Its impulsive and not controlled.

I am sure there could be a few moments but my mind is clouded at the moment. This writing may be updated eventually but time will tell. Certainly there must be a girl who can identify with me but as of now, I've yet to find her. Perhaps its my fate to walk alone and if it is, I will accept it...but I will NOT go down without a fight.

Until next time


Apr. 13th, 2012 10:13 pm
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I've been doing some more thinking. No just about myself this time but about the world in general.

In this world, things always come in pairs. People usually only take things at face value. They only see what's in front of them, they ignore the other part.

Look around you. Nature has duality. From the endless skies to the never-ending land, there is always opposition but unity in all things. The Sky and The Earth may be separate from each other but they do share one thing: The Horizon

We humans are dual creatures as well. We can show you one part of us at one time and be completely different the next. The halves of the same whole.

Even our actions as a society are dual. Without war, we know not peace. Without peace, we know not war.

Hearts are themselves dual as well. Without happiness, we know not grief and sadness and without those we in turn know not happiness and joy.

All things are interconnected within themselves. The brightest light births the darkest shadow. The darkest shadow hides the brightest light.

Realize all things are connected and grow to the highest point.

Remember friends: The ones who fly the furthest, fly with their own wings.

Until next time...


Apr. 13th, 2012 10:15 pm
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A friend of mine was given a very simple assignment and speech. She got to choose any subject to write on and she, being my crazy friend, choose "Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse". She just recently asked me and her other friends for ideas on how to deal with the subject she chose. Most ideas presented to her were logical and some were quite funny and amusing.

But then I really got to thinking. I think the Zombie Apocalypse is already here in a way.

Think about it, what exactly is the definition of a zombie? For most of you inside-thinkers, its the simplistic undead. However, my definition is more insightful. My definition is: mindless entities after a certain central goal. If we use MY definition then WE human beings as a whole ARE zombies. Our central goal (or goals)? Money, power, greed, and happiness.

We aimlessly go about our days doing what is necessary to obtain said goals. If any intrude upon the goal, they are dealt with...with extreme prejudice, much in-step with the zombies of the undead variety (save the masochism of brains). No one stands in the way of what we want and we attack in groves to achieve the goal placed inside our heads.

So a better question my beloved friend should have done an essay on is instead of "Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse"...it should have been "Surviving Ourselves".

Until next time...
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Now I don't know about you but but if you've been on the dating scene no more than a week, you have probably seen the phrase that the title is based on. "You ain't my type"...what does that even mean? What is a "type"? Last time I checked we are all human beings.

Does it mean the color of our skin? No that can't be it. As I've been taught, love is supposed to be colorblind. What would one specific color have to trump another? I've had friends say "so and so race are better lovers". How would they know that one is better than another unless they have BEEN with every race? I don't intend to state or even assume that these friends are promiscuous because I know they're not but it doesn't paint a really great picture. As far as I know, whatever color our skin is, one thing remains true: we all bleed the same color, red.

Does it mean age? OK I can sort of understand this from a lawful standpoint. Most states deem the legal age of consent as 18. Even so, love is supposed to be ageless. We as humans are like fine wine, we only improve with age. Granted, some of our parts are no longer functioning as we age without use of certain medications but love isn't all about sex. Its about the connection between two people, that is what love is. You're only as old as you feel.

Is it social status and the possessions you have? If that is the case, that is petty and selfish. Money is transient. Its always transferring from one hand to another. I would rather have the permanent thing that love entails than something as inconstant as paper currency.

What else is there? We bleed the same blood. We cry the same tears. We breathe the same air. We share the same sky. We are no different than anyone else. There are no types...just simple gripes.

Until next time...


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