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I've been doing some more thinking. I've been thinking of why I am not more sociable and extroverted around others. It boils down to the most rudimentary emotion people can experience: Fear.



When I say Fear, I am not referring to the fear of people in that sense. It is more the fear of being rejected and made to look like a fool. I fully realize I am not the most appealing person to be around and I do not discredit that fact nor do I discredit the fact that I am an annoyance at times. These are all parts of my persona that I fully understand.



My fear keeps me from being around people for the simple fact that I am afraid of being laughed at and messed around with just like I was in Elementary and High School. People cannot understand how I felt. That only way they could is if they looked through my own tear-misted eyes.



This fear stops me from going to parties I'm invited to (which are few and far between). Its the twisted logic of if you do not attend, you cannot be messed with. The logic of: "There is nothing if you don't see it."



As much as I want to rid myself of this accursed fear, I feel an attachment to it. Like I need this fear to feel like myself. As much as I want to meet people and by extension possibly meet and date women, the fear holds me back and is almost like a voice in my head saying, "They'll never accept you. They don't want you. Stay where its safe."



I don't know if I will ever rid myself of this. But I DO know if I don't do so in the near future, my life will be very unfulfilled.



Until next time...

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biohybrid

April 2017

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